How I’ve Been Feeling and Hugs

Yesterday, I hit one underwhelming breaking point.

I wasn’t in some self-pity party where everything is my fault and I’m worthless or whatever. My self-esteem was actually pretty high for the most part. I felt very accomplished on everything I did that day.

Let me emphasize that last sentence. I felt very accomplished on everything I did. I. Me. Myself. Laney Naling. That is me.

I was doing everything right, okay? I stayed up until 4 in the morning, working on everything I needed to do. I delegated responsibility to other people equally (Actually, I gave most of it to myself, whatever). I come to school with an overwhelming about of disappointment. No one’s done anything. I’d list all the three big moments that I got let down on seemingly difficult tasks, but I’m tired maybe I’ll add it later.

One thing leads to another, I cry. I frantically wave my arms trying to calm myself down but that unsurprisingly makes me feel worse. I’m up welling up in tears. This is happening as my friend, Kyler, walks passed me. But, he takes a few steps back when he heard me say, “Now I’m crying”.

As he looked at me with what I think was either sympathy or pity, he took two steps towards me with his arms out and open. I cried into his arms almost instinctively.

Pretty angsty tumblr gif, but it pretty much looked like this

I know this seems like a common scenario, someone cries into another person’s shoulder when they are sad. However, this one felt different.

I’ve had a rough few months (I could say a rough 17 years and 9 months, but that’s something else). I’ve cried and people hugged me in attempt to comfort. Although it seems nice, I just didn’t feel it. I feel like a part of me didn’t want to. I was stuck in a state of sadness I was numb to anything that felt otherwise, or rejected it.

During this time, I told everyone I was really trying. That I was really fighting the demons that kept me from being happy. Which is true, to an extent.

Yoda (I believe), once said “Do or do not, there is no try”. I’ve been trying to break through this mindset but I didn’t actually DO anything. I rolled with all the punches instead of fought back. I took it all on myself. It was really immature and stupid.

Just recently, around the time I was threatened on becoming single, I realized I just had to let it all go and accept the happiness. I didn’t have to try, I just had to do it. When it comes to my happiness, it’s either all or nothing. I either have it or I don’t. No middle!

I realized that I already new that I was great, and I had this thing where I felt like I had to feel a certain way. I had to be sad. But, of course that isn’t the case. But, it took me a bit to realize that. That I could feel good and I do have control of how I’m feeling.

I went out and got a therapist. I was more positive in my work. Even when I was getting almost broken up with, I felt I could still do something. I was incredibly confident that things can get done and better. I’m still thinking about whether or not I was right, but that’s a different story and irrelevant to this post.

This all goes back to this yesterday. My feeling of disappointment. Not in myself, but others. I work so hard to do my part and get little response. I put effort into little things like texting and positivism when I get no progress. I expect for people to do the most simple things for me and they don’t do it. Wednesday I came to school two periods early, I had a full schedule, then a shift at work. I wanted someone to see me. Of course, they don’t. I get more frustrated because I EXPECT to take a break mid way but I end up taking it towards the end of my shift.

Recently, I’ve dropped my expectations for everyone. Bit by bit, I raise them. However, I get disappointed regardless.  I get incredibly frustrated in things that I were out of my control.

You know what I could control? Me. My need for a shoulder to cry on. My perspective and understanding when I expect someone to see me on one of my hardest days of the week. My expectations (which apparently need to be lowered). My acceptance of kindness from one of my bestest friends.

Just in this act alone shows the process of how I’m feeling. How I’m improving. I didn’t hesitate with this act of sympathy. As soon as I saw him, I knew what I needed/wanted. I didn’t reject it, because I knew that would make me feel better.

I’m doing things to make me feel better. And it’s working! I feel so much more confident in myself. I still need to work on my lack of control in certain aspects in my life. But, even the best roads have a few bumps on em, eh?